


As Black As My Heart Without You

by Cat__nevermind



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abusive Parents, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Marauders Friendship, Marauders' Era, POV Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew is there too, Physical Abuse, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin Friendship, jily
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-03 05:45:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10960920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat__nevermind/pseuds/Cat__nevermind
Summary: Sirius Black's life is just fucked up.





	1. Poison

_Summer 1975, 12 Grimmauldplace  
_

 

 

I kept my eyes shut and waited for the pain to stop. I had been waiting for a long time now and slowly I started to get used to the aching in my leg. The ankle was broken and the skin had truned black and blue, I didn't dare to turn my head to look at it. I didn't dare to open my eyes, too scared that I could find my foot still swollen and bruised. 

My throat was dry and I couldn't remeber the last time I had drunk something. I'd been laying on the floor next to my bed for hours and concetrated on breathing. Every inch of my body needed sleep and water and a mattress or pillow. But the fear of the pain the moving would cause kept me from changing something about my position. Still, I knew I had to drink something. If I died of thirst right now, right here, it was likely that nobody would care.

I didn't want to die.

Or to put it right, I couldn't allow myself to kick the bucket. I couldn't give up. Slowly I opened up my eyes and raised my head off of the ground. My back seemed to explode in violent pain, but I just gritted my teeth together and sat up. I could still feel the aftermath of the curses, pulsing like poison through my veins.

I blinked into the darkness, through the window London's lights shone inside but the stars were covered in clouds. For a few seconds I hesitated and thought about what I had to do now. First, I had to manage to get into the bathroom and drink, then I would have to crawl back to my room and climb on my bed. I had to talk to James. Though I didn't want him to worry, I couldn't take it anymore.

Carefully I pushed myself up with my hands and the right leg, the one that wasn't injured. Like this I made my way over to the bathroom door. Every time I ruggedly crashed on the ground, it felt like someone was trying to pierce my temple. Luckily the door had been left ajar so I could kick it open with my working foot.

Scared to loose consciousness I leaned against the frame and waited until I could breathe normally again. Only a few years ago, Reg and I had sat right in this same room, talking and laughing, back when we'd been children, we had always played together right here. No we didn't talk anymore. 

I closed my eyes and eavesdropped on the night. Grimmauldplace was deadly silent, just as always. This house was disgusting, I hated it more than any words could say. The silence, the smell, the quiet threat, the memories... I realized that I was going to leave this place tonight. And if I left, I would never return.

"Not in a million years", I whispered. "I promise."

The house remained silent and I kept on crawling over the floor, into the room. As I arrived below the sink, it took a moment until I had gained back my full strength. Then I inhaled deeply, grabbed the edge of the sink and pulled myself up. I kept my left leg bent, every muscle I had felt like being ripped apart. I let go of the cool marble with one hand anyways, leaning on my elbows, my body dangling in the air.

My fingers were shaking as I truned on the water and let it spread all over my face. The liquid filled my dry mouth and washed away the dirt and sweat and blood on my skin. Everytime I swallowed, my throat protested painfully but I didn't stop drinking until I was coughing and gasping for air.

I managed to stop the water before my arms gave in and I collapsed on the ground. Everything went black for a second but then my sight was clear again and I felt better than I had had the whole summer. Like the fresh water had washed away some of the poison inside of me.

I could think again. The new amount of energy made it easier to crawl back to my room and lift my body on my bed. My wand and the two-way mirror were hidden under my pillow and my broom was leaning against the wall next to my desk. I wouldn't need much more.

The shirt I was wearing was covered in blood and sweat, just like my trousers and my hair was probably as greasy as Snivellus'. And I was unable to walk. But if I got on my broom and left through the window...

My ankle was hurting worse than before and my head was aching terribly. But somewhere, deep inside of me there was hope. It felt good to know, I would finally leave. To know, I would live.

My fingers reached out for the mirror and pulled it out from under the cushion. My reflection looked as terrible as I had imagined.

"James."

Nothing changed, it was still my face in the mirror. He was probably asleep. I put it back where it belonged and closed my eyes to give my worn out body a few minutes of rest...

 

 

I woke up because of the footsteps coming up the old staircase. How lang had I been sleeping? Dammit, that was the last thing I needed right now!

I listened to the threatening sound getting closer, tensing my whole body and feeling the panic approaching. The steps stopped right in front of my door and the lock made a clicking sound as it was opened.

I pressed my eyes together as fast as I could and pretended to be asleep. Maybe they would just leave me alone...

But of course he didn't.

The spell hit me like a slap, I struggled to breathe and crawled away from him until I was pressed against the wall.

"I knew you weren't sleeping."

It was way too hard to keep down the shivering. Rule number 1: Never let them see you're weak.

"You want to break my other foot as well?"

"Maybe, if you don't shut your filthy little mouth."

He snapped his wand and suddenly a bleeding cut started to grow on my left arm bed. I didn't give any kind of reaction although I wanted to cry in pain. He came another step closer and pressed the cool wood of his wand against my neck.

I knew what would happen next, still, wasn't prepared for the impact, the cruciatus curse had on me. My body was out of control, shivering and shaking, all I could think of, all I could feel, all I was, were the racking pains that were floating through my body, absorbing me and knocking me off.

My teeth gritted into my tongue to fight the pathetic whine in the back of my throat.

Please, make it stop, I begged voiceless. But I knew better than saying it out loud, it would make everything even worse. So I tried to focus on something simple. Keep breathing. Don't cry. Don't scream. Just breathe.

There was red lighning in front of my eyelids, I tasted blood on the top of my tongue, and I just couldn't suppress the desperate sobs, escaping my mouth.

I wanted it to stop. I just wanted it to stop.

Panic-fuelled I tried to get away from him, but I was already pressing against the cold wall of my room. My lungs were hurting and I struggled to breathe, the feeling of only inhaling a toxic mist instead of the oxygen I needed made me cough and gasp for air.

Slowly, I realized that I couldn't make it. He would break me. The little hope I had had of seeing James again tonight was crushed, I would never be able to leave.

They would never allow me to go.

Wrapping my arms around my knees I curled up to a ball and tried to make it sufferable. And then, I screamed.

He was satisfied that he had broken me and it hurt even worse than the curse lying on me. There was nothing left I had to be strong for.

I felt naked and vulenrable and broken. I _was_ broken.

He knew that I was weak and he knew that he controlled me, destroyed me. And I knew he wasn't done yet. My voice cracked and I banged my head against the wall, wishing I could just be unconscious. It was the only way to escape the agony.

Although I kept my eyes shut, I could feel the tears running down my cheeks. How long could I take this without going insane?

Why couldn't it stop?

I wanted to escape so desperately, I wanted to die if it could stop the pain.

"Please", I whispered. "Please, please, please."

But he simply laughed and pressed his wand hareder against my skin. I was cold and hot at the same time, I forgot which was up and down, why I was here, where I was. I frogot what had happened, who he was, what he did to me.

I forgot what it was like to breathe, to smile, to laugh. I forgot my name, I forgot who I was.

Now, everything that was left was pain, burning knives stabbing my flesh and freezing water filling my lungs.

Sweat and tears and tears and sweat.

Poison in my veins.

 


	2. Blood

_Summer 1975, 12 Grimmauldplace_

 

There was nothing but darkness surrounding me. It tasted bitter on my tongue, like salt, like iron, like blood. My blood was a traitor's blood, a bastard's but in the dark it still looked black to me, smeared all over my way too pale skin. I really didn't want to stay. But he was still there, lingering in the dark, the smell of his breath stained the air and as I blinked I could see his silhouette right in front of me. The shadow stepped closer and suddenly there was his hand reaching out for me, I wanted to run, to crawl backwards, away from him, but my body didn't obey my brain. Then his skin bursted against mine and I flinched terribly, panic rushing through my mind. He was not going to let me go. 

"It's such a pity what you have become", he whispered and his voice was painfully loud compared to Grimmauldplace's natural silence. 

There was no answer for me to give him, no witty comeback, not this time. My head was empty of everything I once had known and only filled with instincts as old as life itself. "You would have been a prince. The heir of the ancient house of Black."

His hand was still resting on my cheek, where the slowly fading bruises met the dark black spiral, the curse had left on my skin. A special kind of scar, only to be seen by those who had the patience to look for it.

"But now... You are nothing but disappointment . A traitor. Bastard. You're existence itself is a disgrace to my ancestors." 

I hadn't gotten my exquisite vocabulary from nowhere, although I wasn't quite able to wrap my mind around what he was telling me. My eyes moved down to glance at his fingers, scrawny, bony, nails sharp and white, digging into my flesh. 

"Maybe it would be mercyfull of me to end it."

His eyes were maniacally glowing in the dark. Then, slowly, his words fell into place. 

_After all, he was going to kill me._

My eyelids fell shut and the darkness became obscurity. I was bracing myself for the great finale, rebuilding my stoic mask to be able to look him in the eye and leave with the last rest of my dignity. Something was moving in the shadows, a wand was drawn once again and I knew that this time it would be different. 

_Mischief Managed_ , I thought and an unexpected pain stung my chest. 

James would be grief-stricken.

As my eyes flew open again the wand was pressed against my throat, my life was depending on this piece of wood and the words, the man who once had called himslef my father would choose. 

"I shoul've known it", I carked and lifted my head up to fake one last bit of strength. "Should have known what?" "That you would be the one to end it. How else could I be supposed to die, if not at the hand of this maniac fucked-up family of fanatics?"

I honestly didn't know where the words were coming from but all at once there was something in my head again, something that drove away the emptiness and replaced it with rage, because of him, because this was so incredibly unfair, so terribly fucking wrong. This was what I had been supressing all my life and it didn't only rise from the numbness in my head but was born deep down in my heart where it was burning and bleeding black blood. 

Where I once had been an heir, a brother, a son.

"Do not speak to me like this, filthy bloodtraitor. I am not doing this to free you from your shame. I'm doing this to wash clean the name of the family."

"You can't. Torture me, lock me up, kill me if you want, but you can't. Because although I'm not one of you anymore, I used to be and you did call me your child. Don't put the blame on me. Don't say it's my fault it ends like this, 'cause it's not. You're to blame because you're wrong and cruel and value traditionover acceptance and prestige over love. Because even though all you ever do is talk about family, in the end, it means _nothing_ to you!"

"You are not my son!"

"Good, 'cause I don't want to be!"

"You disgust me! Shut your dirty mouth or I'm going to-"

"You're going to what? What are you going to do that you didn't already do to me? _What are you going to do?_ "

I didn't know if I was shaking because every muscle in my body was as tense as possible or because of the anger in my heart.

"It's your fault I can't look my friends in the eye and tell the truth about how I feel! It is your fault that I sometimes can't think and my mind drifts off and I'm screaming again to get rid of the silence creeping up on me. So what are you going to do?"

His voice was deadhearted: "I'm going to kill you."

_"THEN FUCKING DO IT ALREADY!"_

I hadn't heard the window breaking but suddenly he moved away from me and the pressure on my throat was gone. Slowly, I sat up, I could see the citylights now, they were shining into my room and onto the shattered glass, which was on my desk and spreaded all over the woodden floor and glowing in a silver light.

His silhouette in front of the broken window and the London skyline was scary, frightening, but the fear was only half as strong as the hope that hit me again. The wind on my face was fresh and cool.

_I could make it._

"How did you do this?" He was stepping closer again, I wished to be able to just run past him and escape. 

"This window was magically concealed. How did you break it?"

I had no idea, my head was unable to focus on anything. Freedom was so close, so damn close.

"You are going to regret this."

I couldn't remeber to see him leave the room but suddenly the door slammed shut and another shadow approached me, more slowly, more careful. "Regulus?" My voice cracked and I hated it.

"Yes. We don't have much time. Do you have your wand?" "I- yes. Why?"

He didn't answer but grabbed my broom and climbed up my desk to look outside. Behind him the stars were glowing in the dark.

"What are you doing?"

His head turned in my direction and his eyes were grey and fierce just like the nightsky above his head. 

"Have a guess. Are you coming or do you really want him to kill you?"

"I don't understand..."

"Just come here, Sirius. Please."

Something in his expression had changed, he nearly seemed to beg me to walk over to him. Without realizing I started to move forwards, my broken ankle was burning everytime it touched the ground and it felt like the room was spinning in two directions at the same time. But somehow I ended up next to my little brother. There were footsteps on the staircase and Regulus grabbed my arm to pull me up, I inhaled sharply as the pain shot through my body but then it was okay again and I was breathing the cold air.

"Why, Reg?", I asked. "Why are you helping me?"

His lips twirled into a small sad smile and he shook his head.

"You're my brother after all. And I'm not going to let him kill you."

Something was tearing my chest apart.

"Come with me then. They're not going to be happy about this." 

It seemed to be logical to asked him to run away with me. We weren't close and I hadn't really spoken to him in three years, but he was my little brother and it was my job to take care of him, wasn't it? This was the one twist in our lifes, the long expected turning point.

"You know I won't, Siri."

Yes, I knew.

"Goodbye, Reg."

The door swung open and a green flash hit the wall next to my head but I had already climbed my broom and jumped.

 _I won't ever come back_ , I thought and finally relief flooded my veins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know I'm terrible at uploading regularly, but to everyone who is reading this anyway: Thank you so much, I hope you like it and would be insanely happy if you left a comment... :)


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